fridgeburger cheese

So I have an upset stomach and I remember seeing on the food network channel that you can make your own alka seltzer with some baking soda. I know- that should be self evident but it never registered.
I think to myself, I have some baking soda in the fridge right?
Why not try a glass of that?
it's been there about 2-3 years but could be wrong with that?
So I look at it and it looks pretty clean- no odor or discoloration.
It's pretty brick like but being resourceful I take a fork and scrape off a teaspoon size amount and put it in a juice glass with some water.
I swirl it up and down the thing.
It sorta tastes like alka seltzer except no lemonish taste.
Ooops-
And then... a wave of aftertaste started forming like a tsunami.
It came up from the back of my throat and made me shudder.
There was about a second were I was panicked at the prospect of that being in my stomach. This quickly resolved itself as my entire stomach contracted and spewed its contents instantly.
No description could imagine the foul taste that generated but you have to imagine
the feeling you might have after you ate an enormous quantity of the most disgusting cheese on the planet.
If you absolutely need to empty the contents of your belly in the fastest most sure fire way imaginable than I can offer no better solution.
Next time I would suggest a squirt of lime juice.