thereasa

So, yesterday I visit mom. And things are not going well. She fell a few times.
The chemo is not working and only making her weaker.
I cooked for her like I normally do. Last visit I made the best frajita's on the grill ever, with real flank steak marinated in limes and onions and such.
They came out amazing and tasted better than any restaurant.
She said it was the toughest/chewiest meat she'd ever tried.
She's in her 70's and that was the first frajita she'd ever eaten.
That's all I cared about.
She did say she loved the spanish rice and proceeded to put 'sweat chilli sauce' on it and eat it for days. When John (her husband) saw I was making black beans, he pulled a can out of the cuboard and with a look of exasparation said "we had these???"- showing me a can of boston baked beans.
Friday I made chicken with peeled tomatoes, curry, onions and green pepper.
This did not go over well either.
After dinner we were sitting around the living room and a Brittish detective series they got from the library is playing on dvd. My mom explains to me how she's been trying to do this picture of herself from like 40 years ago for weeks and can't get it right.
She prefaces showing me the photo by explaining that she had to crop my dad out of it as if I didn't expect this. I'm used to this kind of historical editing of my life. Few good memories seem to exist (and not many mentions) of this person who was my father.
Anyway- she wants me to fix her drawing.
Her drawing is one I noticed on the last visit and it's not a great likeness of her. Like she's struggling with something. It's almost a vision of herself through a childlike prism with big doe eyes and a face too short to match my mothers long brooding stare.
I say I can't do that. There would be too much erasing and work. I'll start another...
She tells me she's still not too old to learn something and wants to see what I do.
So, I begin a drawing. I use a half sketch she had started- the outline with no features. I adjust things and do a thirty minute rough sketch of the direction she should have been going in. I explained, "you need to set the eyes in the sockets to capture someone". "Architect the face". Meaning- she has an angular face and strong nose and if you don't architect the eyes correct it won't look like the person. It will be a dewey eyed version of them. She said my drawing was off and I should start another one.
She had done five previous attempts herself and thought this the normal course.
I said I would try again on the same drawing and give it my best effort.
I went back to work and re-checked every bone, ligament and muscle in her face.
Lining everything up- upside down and sideways and then carefully erasing my ligature
to reveal a portrait of what she looked like in some distant past.
Flattering and pretty.
She liked it and approved. She said "I didn't know my face was that angular". I said "It is, in a nice- attractive way".
She kept insisting I sign it- which I never do. But in this case I agreed and signed it exactly as she wanted. "portrait of my mother, by Matthew".

I sorta knew why she wanted me to do this at the time and as it sunk in I took extra time to make sure this was one of the best drawings I ever did, but, I'm in such denial that she will be passing that it didn't really hit me untill today. She just really wanted to see me draw one more time. Like the same kid that used to finish a drawing and run up to her for some measure of approval all those years ago. I was sitting there painting my bedroom today and thinking about it when it hit me like a load of bricks. It crushed me like I know I'm going to be crushed in these coming months. Everything's the last time. Which I know but I don't want to admit.